Get It Together, America

We were standing at the dining room table earlier this week, Sidney and I, pulling the stringy orange entrails out of a pumpkin purchased from a farmer's market in Berkeley when she said to me with a particularly juicy clump of innards in her grip, "You know what's weird?"

"Tell me," I responded as I continued to scrape at the interior walls of the mandarin-hued globe with a plastic spoon.

"It's weird how in school they teach you who the first president was, but not, like, who carved the first pumpkin."

"That is weird," I said. "But maybe the reason they don't teach you that in school is because nobody knows the answer."

She turned her attention back to the slick heap of guts in front of her and absentmindedly plucked out a few seeds before pausing to address me again. "There are a lot of mysteries like that these days, huh?"

"There are," I told her.

"Geez," she said, shaking her head disappointedly. "It's like, just figure it out already, USA."

On the Altar of Technology

I am so unabashedly thankful that smartphones exist, because without them I would most certainly miss out on so many impossible-to-overstate-the-importance-of life happenings that may seem small but are really damn significant, like goofy text message conversations with my twelve-year-old nephew who lives 1,729 miles away and who I have not seen in far too many months and who is growing up so much faster than should be legally allowed by the laws of nature and the state of Texas and who has somehow, right under my nose, become a complex almost-teenager with so much energy and personality and verve and who is adorable and creative and funny and nerdy and smart and oh-so-damn happy.

And who is also a vampire, apparently.

29 Things I Did Today

In chronological order.

  1. Edited a blog post (not my own)

  2. Made my bed

  3. Picked up five Magic Mice and five Magic Trackpads from the Apple Store on Stockton Street

  4. Ran into a former co-worker on the T

  5. Drank a bottle of orange juice (ten ounces)

  6. Went to a meeting

  7. Ate mixed nuts out of a coffee mug

  8. Called my parents

  9. Ate a salad (arugula and spinach topped with black olives, mozzarella cheese, red peppers and sesame soy dressing)

  10. Discussed the price of wedding dresses

  11. Toured my company CEO's penthouse loft

  12. Ate yogurt (blueberry)

  13. Got hit in the hand with a Nerf dart

  14. Witnessed, from the window of the 30 bus, a very intoxicated San Francisco Giants fan pouring a bottle of water on the head of an unsuspecting pedestrian

  15. Hugged Tommy

  16. Smuggled a Slurpee into Powell Street Station in my backpack

  17. Watched a man with a ponytail punch a man in a business suit for not making room for him on an outbound N train

  18. Purchased “Adventureland,” “Lost In Translation” and “Under the Tuscan Sun” on DVD for $8.93 from a record store that was once a bowling alley

  19. Turned down two separate offers to purchase marijuana

  20. Conversed with a current resident of The Grateful Dead House whilst standing in front of The Grateful Dead House

  21. Discussed Lena Dunham

  22. Ate Mexican street food in the Haight with Tommy

  23. Discussed European Grindr hookups

  24. Took a Lyft Line with two complete, and completely nice, strangers

  25. Listened to Bevan read (part of) “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” to Sidney

  26. Ate a vodka-soaked Sour Patch Kid (blue)

  27. Cut up a watermelon

  28. Listened to Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now"

  29. Took off my socks