Secrets

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Following Sunday’s BlogSecret web log post, I retrieved five responses from my formspring.me inbox, all of which are displayed below.

Have joy.

I use my roommate's razor for more than just my face. 

I'm afraid I'll never allow myself to fall in love. 

I have multiple spots around the house that have, on more than one occasion, been on the receiving end of my laziness to get a tissue after a monster nose-picking session. I have a spot in the car for the unflickables, too. 

I sometimes wonder if my dad really loves me. 

I don't believe in anything.

Humorous Humans

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As previously articulated, I live in the constant company of humorous humans.

Below is but a sampling of the mouth-watering merriment served up by those nearest and dearest to me in recent days.

Married Mike: "My toilet looks like it's been attacked with brown Silly String. What did I eat?" 

Me: "Yuck!" 

Married Mike: "No, that's not it." 

Me: "So, Ricky Martin…" 

Part-Time Roommate Liz: "Umm, Enrique Iglesias." 

Me: "Wait, Enrique Iglesias is gay now, too?"

Part-Time Roommate Liz: "Oh, sorry. I thought we were just naming Latin pop artists." 

Friend Jose: "I just spent two hours on Chatroulette." 

Me: "How was it?" 

Friend Jose: "Fun. My roommate snuck up behind me with an ax and chased me away. Then we switched." 

Me: "That's hilarious."

Friend Jose: "Yeah. Plus, the chicks love it." 

Substitute Teacher Friend Evan: "I'm thinking about showing the new "Sassy Gay Friend" video to my class." 

Me: "You can't. He uses the word 'bitch' and talks about black wieners."

Substitute Teacher Friend Evan: "Core, I'm teaching high school now. We talk about black wieners during the morning announcements." 

Me: "Are you dating anybody right now?" 

Former Co-Worker Beth: "Well, there is this one guy..." 

Me: "What's his name?"

Former Co-Worker Beth: "I'm not sure. All I know is that I have a violent urge bend him over and French braid his rattail."

Shakespeare III

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Although it's after 2:00am Central Standard Time and my alarm is set to ring in less than five hours, I opted to eschew a full night's sleep in order to ring in the release of "Sassy Gay Friend: Othello," the third installment in the ever-so-glittery "Sassy Gay Friend" franchise.

Have joy. You stupid bitch.

BlogSecret

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In 2004, a Maryland man named Frank Warren printed and distributed 3,000 copies of a postcard inviting strangers to anonymously participate in a community mail art project.

The postcard read:

You are invited to anonymously contribute a secret to a group art project. Your secret can be a regret, fear, betrayal, desire, confession or childhood humiliation. Reveal anything – as long as it is true and you have never shared it with anyone before. 

Opting to use his home address as the project's reception point, Warren's mailbox quickly morphed into a mock confessional.

Today, PostSecret is a worldwide phenomenon. The PostSecret blog has amassed well over three hundred million hits and Warren has published five popular books containing a sampling of the postcards he has received. Additionally, a PostSecret art exhibition is currently making its way around the United States showcasing thousands of faceless secrets from around the world.

Because I have been utterly enamored with the PostSecret movement since happening upon a PostSecret book at an Urban Outfitters a while back, I would like to propose a mini PostSecret project to the tens of visitors of this web log. Though instead of mailing me postcards, I ask that you simply type your secret into the box below and mouse-click "Send."

If BlogSecret does, in fact, receive a healthy number of responses, I shall post them on this web log for your perusal at a later date.

Happy sharing!

A Genius

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My older brother, his wife and their two young boys were getting ready in their shared bathroom recently when the following conversation ensued.

Brother Chad: "We're in a hurry, Peyton. Stop being such a lollygagger." 

Five-Year-Old Nephew Peyton: "I'm not a lollygagger, Dad. I'm a genius." 

Seven-Year-Old Nephew Cole: "If you're such a genius, what color am I?" 

Five-Year-Old Nephew Peyton: "Umm…seven?"

Teleph-owned

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In response to pop marvel Lady Gaga's nearly ten-minute-long "Telephone" music video featuring Beyoncé, Tyrese Gibson and the Pussy Wagon from "Kill Bill," one creative YouTuber took to Chatroulette with nothing but lipstick, a skimpy bathing suit and some nasty dance moves to make a "Telephone" video of his own.

Have joy.

Waxing Poetic

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Wrote about my day
using Japanese form poems
called Haikus. Have joy.

6:45am
Today's solemn vow:
Kill alarm clock inventor,
mount head on nightstand.


8:17am
Damn! Pressed 'Alarm Off'
instead of snooze button. My
boss is gonna shit.


9:34am
"Sorry I'm late, boss.
Brown Line struck a homeless man.
Don't worry, I'm fine."


9:38am
Coffee pot empty.
Co-workers should be punished.
Will steal their lunches.


11:02am
Company bathroom
is like Spring Break in Cancun
compared to my cube.


1:59pm
"Me? Sleeping at work?
Not in a million years, boss.
Just resting my eyes."

Thinking: 'By the way,
your ugly necktie hurts worse
than my hangover.'


2:46pm
Ninety ceiling tiles
hang above my cubicle.
Clearly working hard.


4:00pm
Only one more hour.
Should start doing some work now.
Naw. I'll just Facebook.


5:00pm
"Would love to stay late.
Prior engagement awaits.
Next time. Sorry boss."

Thinking: 'Going to
bar to drown myself in beer.
Hope you're here all night.'


5:45pm
What'd you say, Full Beer?
You want me to drink you now?
Fine. But only one.


9:20pm
Sorry, officer.
I thought this was a bathroom.
I'll get a towel.


11:56pm
Pour myself in bed.
Stoked to sleep in tomorrow.
Shit! Today's Thursday.

A Failure

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Thus far in my lifetime, few instances have rendered me more disappointed in myself than my inability to concoct an even moderately amusing caption for the following photograph.

Camera Shy

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I unearthed the following inquiry while retrieving messages from my formspring.me account earlier this evening.

After enjoying an uneasy chuckle, I relayed the outlandish question to Roommate Matthew.

Me: "Somebody on formspring.me requested that I show them my goods on Chatroulette."

Roommate Matthew: "Are you going to?"

Me (disgusted): "Are you kidding me? Have you seen how bad their grammar is?"

Catch Phrase

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During my cameo in Project 365 Tegan's video yesterday, I solicited advice in choosing a personal catch phrase after concluding that "Cut. It. Out." and "Cowabunga!" were both far beyond any level of cool that I could ever hope to attain.

In a valiant effort to assist, Ex-Boss Annie passed along the following suggestions via electronic mail this morning.

Have joy.

From: Ex-Boss Annie
Subject: Catch Phrase (Top 10)

Hey Boo!

So distressed was I by your catch-phraseless existence that I compiled the following "top-ten" list for you. I wouldn't necessarily call most of them catch phrases per se, but each of the following suggestions include something you're clearly very fond of—picking your nose.

I hope this helps.

Top Ten Catch Phrases Centered Around Nose Mining

10. "Eat, Pick, Love"

9. Ba da ba ba ba, I'm pickin' it.

8. Pick. It. Out.

7. Reach out and pick something.

6. It takes a lickin' and keeps on pickin'.

5. I am PickLovin'.

4. Silly rabbit, picks are for kids.

3. Pick on, Wayne. Pick on, Garth.

2. I'm Pick James, bitch!

1. Finger pickin' good.

Day 80

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In an endeavor deemed Project 365, a cyberspace pal of mine from Oregon resolved to dispatch into the virtual void one video web log each day for a full year, beginning on January 1st, 2010.

Ignoring the fact that I look like a cross between Garfield and a sandwich, Project 365 Tegan offered to share the screen with me on Day 80 of her venture.

No Offense

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I was snapping a DailyBooth.com photo this morning when I discovered the following picture conversation. Although brief, I feel the exchange best illustrates the stark politeness for which Daily Boothers are known.

Get Blown Away

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I happened across the following share-worthy photograph of Former College Roommate Danielle while saving electronic files to my Western Digital hard drive earlier this day.

Apparently I possessed the same sense of humor then as I do now because I happened across the following photograph of myself only a moment later.

Baked Onion Rings

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After consuming nothing but sweet potato fries for the past two and a half months, I heeded Co-Worker Amy's advice and journeyed to cookingforengineers.com in search of a new edible muse.

The following video is the result of that journey.

Have joy.

e-Conga Line

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I was perusing DailyBooth.com earlier this day when the following message struck my fancy.

Because I was brought up to believe that turning down an opportunity to conga is as immoral as committing adultery or operating a foreign automobile, I conformed to DailyBooth Jon's request and snapped a picture. 

When my photograph finally crawled across the screen at chaircongaline.com after a nearly six and half minute wait, I couldn't help but squeeze out a grin. 

After all, there are few things more happy-making than completing a "to-do" list.

Chatroulette: The Musical

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After sending evidence of my maiden Chatroulette go-round out into the cyber void late last night, several World Wide Websters came forward to share with me the following video.

Have joy.

Chatroulette

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Late last year a seventeen-year-old high school student from Moscow launched Chatroulette, a webcam-based program that pits complete strangers together for face to face conversation. Since its inception, the Internets haven't stopped buzzing about the social camming phenomenon despite innumerable complaints regarding nudity, vulgarity and profanity associated with the site.

Never one to shy away from a fad of the Internet variety, I dusted off my webcam this evening and pulled the trigger on Chatroulette.

And this is how I fared.

Chat 1

Me: Hey!

Green Lacoste Shirt Guy: Douche.

Chat 2

Me: Hey!

Guy Holding Hookah Hose: Hey, bro.

Me: What are you up to?

Guy Holding Hookah Hose: Smokin'.

Me: Nice!

Guy Holding Hookah Hose: You cold, bro?

Me: A little bit.

Guy Holding Hookah Hose: Bummer.

Me: Yeah.

Guy Holding Hookah Hose: Later, bro.

Chat 3

Me: Hey!

Adidas Sweatshirt Man: What's up?

Me: I'm just checking out this Chatroulette thing.

Uncle Jesse: We're stoned.

Me: Hey, I'm just glad you're wearing clothes.

Adidas Sweatshirt Man: Your wall looks like mustard.

Uncle Jesse: Ha! It does!

Adidas Sweatshirt Man: Pardon me, do you have any Gre...

Click.

Chat 4

Girl in Dark Room with Sunglasses: Umm, hi.

Me: Hey!

Girl in Dark Room with Sunglasses: Nice gold wall.

Me: Nice…hair.

Girl in Dark Room with Sunglasses: Bye.

Chat 5

Giggles: Eminem!

Chat 6

Me: Hey!

Girl: Where from?

Me: The United States of America. Where are you from?

Girl: Russia.

Me: Cool!

Girl: What state you live?

Me: Illinois.

Girl: Is cold there?

Me: Yes. Is it cold there?

Girl: New York City?

Me: No, I mean, is it cold in Russia?

Girl: Yes. I live New York City.

Me: I thought you lived in Rus...

Click.

Chat 7

Me: Hello!

Male with Braces: Hey!

Me: Where are you?

Male with Braces: Orange County.

Me: Cool.

Male with Braces: Is it cold there?

Me: Kinda.

Male with Braces: It's perfect here.

Me: Nice.

Male with Braces: Sorry, I didn't mean to give you the big 'Weather Fuck You.'

Me: No worries.

A pause.

Me: Welp, see ya later.

Chat 8

Me: Howdy!

A pause.

Me: I like your jacket.

A pause.

Me: You're being kind of creepy. I can hear you breathing.

A pause.

Me: Okay. I'm gonna go.

Chat 9

Me: Hey!

Nappy Girl: Hi.

Me: How are you?

Nappy Girl: Bored.

Me: That stinks.

Nappy Girl: Next.

Me: Ouch.

Chat 10

Me: Umm, seriously?

A pause.

Me: You two should probably be wearing a condom.

A pause.

Me: Okay well, 'Corey' is a great name for a boy or a girl!

A pause.

Me: Alright, you two just keep enjoying yourselves then. I'll let myself out.

Cliché

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My younger brother's College Farewell Tour made a stop in the Windy City this weekend to partake in Chicago's Saint Patrick's Day celebration. The familiar hiss and subsequent crack of a newly opened can of beer sounded from my living room very shortly after his Friday afternoon arrival, thus spurring the following conversation.

Me: "I think it's a little early for that, Bry."

Bryan (taking a sip): "We gotta face our fears."

Me: "I'm not sure what you mean by that."

Bryan (taking a sip): "We have to test the waters."

Me: "That doesn't seem applicable to this situat..."

Bryan (taking a sip): "A little give and take."

Me: "No, Bryan, that's not…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "Damned if you do and damned if you don't."

Me: "I still don't see how that appl…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "The buck stops here."

Me: "That isn't…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "There's no "I" in team."

Me: "It sounds like you memorized a list of clichés to stop me from criticizing your dri…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "Dare to dream."

Me: "Okay, now you're just being ridic…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "Keep your chin up."

Me: "Seriou…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "Here's mud in your eye."

Me: "You're being…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "Naked as a jaybird."

Me: "Give me a break…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "…a leg."

Me: "You need to stop…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "…on a dime."

Me: "Quit…"

Bryan (taking a sip): "…while you're ahead."

Me: "Are you done now?"

Bryan (burping): "Actually, I am. Can you grab me another one out of the fridge, please?"

Tradition

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Airport Matters

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The following YouTube video is the introduction to my younger brother's final college project. Although the video is quite creative, I won't be surprised if he receives a failing grade for it. After all, I can't imagine his Biology 201 professor much caring for a clever "Family Matters" intro parody when the assignment was to write a ten-page research paper about mitosis.

Regardless of the scholastic outcome associated with "Airport Matters," I'm just relieved to see Bryan using his toothbrush for a purpose other than eyebrow shaping.

Now Hiring

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A horde of overly excited undergrads converged on my place of employment earlier this day to vie for an open internship position directly supporting my department. Because the triumphant candidate will be required to spend a hefty chunk of time working in uncomfortably close proximity to me, I was required to spend a hefty chunk of my day as an interviewer.

Although I have very little hiring experience, I thought it best to eschew typical interview questions like "What is your greatest weakness?" and "Don't you think the sweater I'm wearing perfectly accentuates my chiseled pectoral muscles?" in favor of a casual conversation.

Me (crying): "…and then she hit me in the stomach and my retainer fell out of my mouth and into a mud puddle."

Candidate #4: "And how did that make you feel?"

Me (sobbing): "Weak and dirty."

Candidate #4: "I'm sorry to hear that."

A pause.

Candidate #4: "So, are you going to hire me or what?"

Me (disgusted): "Ugh. You are so unprofessional."

Needless to say, based on the ever-so-slightly embellished exchange above, the reasoning behind conducting a professional interview as opposed to attempting to become best friends with each and every candidate is now readily apparent to me.

Personal Touch

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My parents and a herd of their buddies will flock to the city I presently inhabit to commemorate the feast day of Saint Patrick this weekend.

Because I traditionally join the aforementioned group in utilizing a trough of emerald tinted lager in honor of the patron saint of Ireland, I felt it necessary to send my folks a note of reassurance regarding my plan of action this year in relation to my behavior on Saint Patrick’s Days of yore.

Shakespeare II

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After enduring "Legally Blonde: Red, White & Blonde," "The Next Karate Kid," "Ocean's Twelve," "Speed 2: Cruise Control" and three of the forty-seven "American Pie" sequels, I was wildly apprehensive about the inevitable follow-up to "Sassy Gay Friend: Hamlet," perhaps my all-time favorite video of the YouTube persuasion.

As it turns out, nary three weeks after the words "she's a stupid bitch" first blessed my eardrums, "Sassy Gay Friend: Romeo & Juliet" is already lisping its way through Ethernet cables around the globe. And while it isn't flawless like its predecessor, "Sassy Gay Friend: Romeo & Juliet" still secured a spot on my Shelf of Brilliant Sequels. As a matter of fact, I squeezed it in near the top between "Tremors 2: Aftershocks" and "3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain."

NYC Scrapbook

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Although my Kodak EasyShare V550 was conveniently stowed in the front pocket of my stylish black pea coat for the duration of my recent retreat to the Big Apple, I felt inspired to capture only the following three moments on film.

 

Caption: Substitute Teacher Friend Evan and Crystal "The Opportunity" sport a pair of constipated grins while waiting in line to purchase overpriced cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery.

Caption: A bacon and onion ring cheeseburger patiently awaits its demise at Big Daddy's Restaurant while a gang of tater tots look on in wonderment.

Caption: A smiling trio of stuffed canines engage in an afternoon ménage à trois at FAO Schwarz as Crystal "The Opportunity" and I surreptitiously watch from behind the Cabbage Patch Kids display case.

Oscar Sunday (2010)

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Because Roommate Matthew rode the "Slumdog Millionaire" train to victory in the Apartment Academy Awards Best Ballot competition last year, I'm in dire need of a win tonight to save face might we cross paths in the living room at some juncture in the future.

On account of my past results, I've trained for this year's contest by viewing a whopping fourteen of the films nominated. Roommate Matthew has seen a scant seven.

While I'm relatively certain that the voters over at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences are more than qualified to pick the year's best in film, I often consider their selections to be, well, ass awful. As a result, I have italicized the nominees below whom I believe will be selected and starred those that I feel should be.

Have joy.

Oh, and good luck. To me.

Best Picture
"Avatar"
"The Blind Side"
"District 9"
"An Education"
"The Hurt Locker"*
"Inglourious Basterds"
"Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire"
"A Serious Man"
"Up"
"Up in the Air"

Actor in a Leading Role
Jeff Bridges in "Crazy Heart"*
George Clooney in "Up in the Air"
Colin Firth in "A Single Man"*
Morgan Freeman in "Invictus"
Jeremy Renner in "The Hurt Locker"

Actor in a Supporting Role
Matt Damon in "Invictus"
Woody Harrelson in "The Messenger"
Christopher Plummer in "The Last Station"
Stanley Tucci in "The Lovely Bones"
Christoph Waltz in "Inglorious Basterds"

Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock in "The Blind Side"
Helen Mirren in "The Last Station"
Carey Mulligan in "An Education"
Gabourey Sidibe in "Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire"
Meryl Streep in "Julie & Julia"*

Actress in a Supporting Role
Penelope Cruz in "Nine"
Vera Farmiga in "Up in the Air"
Maggie Gyllenhaal in "Crazy Heart"*
Anna Kendrick in "Up in the Air"
Mo'Nique in "Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire"

Animated Feature Film
"Coraline"
"Fantastic Mr. Fox"*
"The Princess and the Frog"
"The Secret of Kelis"
"Up"

Directing
"Avatar"
"The Hurt Locker"*
"Inglourious Basterds"
"Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire"
"Up in the Air"

Art Direction: "Avatar"

Cinematography: "Avatar"

Costume Design: "Coco before Chanel"

Documentary Feature: "The Cove"

Documentary Short: "The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant"

Film Editing: "Avatar"

Foreign Language Film: "The White Ribbon"

Makeup: "Star Trek"

Music (Original Score): "Up"

Music (Original Song): "The Weary Kind" from "Crazy Heart"

Short Film (Animated): "The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)"

Short Film (Live Action): "Kavi"

Sound Editing: "The Hurt Locker"

Sound Mixing: "The Hurt Locker"

Visual Effects: "Avatar"

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): "Up in the Air"

Writing (Original Screenplay): "Inglourious Basterds"

Tryout

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I was making my way to Navy Pier early this morning when I noticed a lengthy line of individuals filling the sidewalk surrounding NBC Tower. Curious to know if I was missing a potential life-altering event like a visit from the Pope or a Burt Reynolds autograph session, I slowed my pace just enough to ask one of the women in line what was going on.

"Tryouts for "The Biggest Loser" are being held today," the woman said, referencing a popular reality television show on which generously proportioned contestants compete for a cash prize by shedding pounds.

"Geez," I replied, "this seems like a big turnout for a game show audition."

"Well," she said, "if you try out you get a free donut."

"They must be some damn good donuts," I said.

"They are," she replied.

Family Reunion

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All nine members of the Lambert Clan will converge on the Windy City this weekend to partake in a makeshift family reunion. Because of my home-field advantage, I've taken it upon myself to map out the weekend's course of events. In addition to the inevitable touristic fare, it is my hope to spend much of the weekend casually basking in the company of my kin. Apparently, my younger brother and I do not share this notion.

Me: "…and then after dinner we'll all head out and grab a drink."

Bryan: "Sweet! I'm always down to get hammered."

Me: "I said "a drink," Bry."

Bryan: "Oh. I heard "drunk." My bad."

In all fairness to Bryan, the collegiate cocoon currently enveloping his life is set to shed later this spring and it's my belief that he's trying to make the most of his last few months of irresponsibility. To strengthen my belief, Bryan shared with me last night's social agenda.

Me: "What are you up to tonight?"

Bryan: "I'll probably head over to Waldo's College Tavern. It's Pitcher Night."

Me: "Pitcher Night?"

Bryan: "Yeah. Waldo's has full-sized pitchers that you can fill with mixed drinks for only six dollars and twenty-five cents. It's my best friend."

Me: "You should take it easy, Bry. We have a big weekend ahead of us."

Bryan: "Oh I will. I'll probably just have two and then head home."

How Rube!

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Although I graced nearly five years of high school science with my presence, I am completely certain of just two indisputable facts:

1. A vacant chemistry lab, an empty two-liter bottle and a nugget of dry ice combine to create a conundrum that no seventeen-year-old should ever have to face.

2. The astounding contraption that created Mr. Herman's well-balanced morning meal in the opening sequence of "Pee-wee's Big Adventure," the 1985 cinematic masterpiece starring Paul Reubens, is called a Rube Goldberg machine.

While the following OK Go music video fails to produce a single morsel of digestible fodder, I find the band's use of Old Rube's creation to be quite appetizing nonetheless.

Damn Shame

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Mindful of my infatuation with the World Wide Web, Florida Cousin Christopher shared the following cartoon with me earlier this day.

In the spirit of popcorn-eating bunnies, I spent the remainder of my afternoon closely monitoring my Google usage.

Below are the results.

Have joy.

Google Search: sexual napalm

Google Search: voice of Gargamel from "The Smurfs"

Google Search: hotels in Smurf Village

Google Chat:

Mom: "Hey honey!"

Me: "What do you want?"

Mom: "I just want to make sure you're okay about, you know, the hamster thing."

Me: "I'm fine."

Mom: "Good. Okay, well, I'd better get back to work. I love you."

Me: "Whatever."

Google Search: grieving dead pets

Google Search: pet psychologist

Google Books: "The Hamster: An Owner's Guide to a Happy Healthy Pet"

Google Search: pet stores in Chicago

Google Transit: Directions to 124 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago

Google Chat:

Sister Kelly: "What's up?"

Me: "Working."

Sister Kelly: "Me too. Sorry about the hamster news, by the way."

Me: "Oh. Ha. No worries. I haven't thought about it once today."

Sister Kelly: "Good.

A pause.

Sister Kelly: "Did you really let him pee on my toothbrush?"

Gmail:

From: Dad
Subject: Get over it.

Corey,

It was fifteen years ago. Grow a pair.

Love,

Dad

Google Search: I'm mad

Google Books: "I'm Mad (Dealing With Feelings)"

Google Search: I'm still mad

Google Shopping: Rare 10th Anniversary "MAD Magazine" Still Photo

Google Video: Mad TV Sketches

Google Image Search: funny sketches

Google Image Search: funny pictures

Google Buzz:

Me: "I miss Arnold."

Dad: "You've got to be kidding me."

Arnold

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We were huddled over a table sipping Pabst Blue Ribbon draft beers at a bar in my hometown, my mother and father and I, swapping stories of days long passed, when I asked them, "Do you remember Arnold?"

And this is what they said.

Mom: "Your hamster?"

I nodded.

Dad: "The one that died when you were eleven?"

I nodded again.

Mom: "Doesn't ring a bell."

Dad: "Never heard of the guy."

Me: "Really? You don't remember when I used to carry him around in the hood of my coat? Or hide him in the silverware drawer? Or force him to pee on Kelly's toothbrush?"

Mom: "Still doesn't ring a bell."

Dad: "Still never heard of the guy."

Me: "Oh."

A pause.

Me: "Well, I was wondering if it was possible that he died of something contagious to humans like the Hamster Flu."

Mom: "Arnold didn't die of the Hamster Flu, honey."

Me: "How do you know?"

Mom: "I have a feeling."

Me: "What kind of feeling?"

Dad: "A feeling like she knows that Arnold died of starvation."

Mom: "Mark!"

Dad: "What? He's twenty-five years old. It's about time he knows that he killed his hamster."

Me: "I thought you didn't remember him!"

Mom: "Oh, we remember that poor little guy. We thought you were mature enough to take care of a small pet. Boy, were we wrong."

Dad: "Dead wrong."

Me: "Wait a minute, is that why you stopped letting me babysit the neighbor's cat whenever they went on vacation?"

Dad: "Yep."

Me: "And why you responded "How about a baseball glove?" every time I asked for a fish?"

Dad: "Yep."

Me: "And why you didn't leave me alone with Bryan until his eighteenth birthday?"

Dad: "Yep."

Me: "I can't believe you kept this from me for all these years."

Mom: "Honey, we didn't want to hurt your feelings."

Dad: "Or pay for therapy."

Me: "So all that talk about Hamster Heaven, was that a lie, too?"

Mom: "Of course not, honey. Arnold is up there right now chugging along on a hamster wheel made of gold."

Me: "Really?"

Dad: "Where else would he be, Hamster Hell? He didn't kill anybody. That was you, remember?"

Hazed

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To her parents, her shrink and her orange-wielding stylist she's Heather B. Armstrong, a lanky, Mentos-fresh-haired thirty-four year old Salt Lake City dweller with a web wizard husband, two striking young girls and a duo of dogs more prone to flashbulbs than Brangelina.

To the rest of the world she's Dooce, a Mormon-resistant, mega-blogging force of nurture who recently landed herself on Forbes' list of Most Influential Women in Media (number twenty-six).

During her nine-year web presence, Dooce has amassed a monthly readership rivaling the population of Lebanon (4.2 million) and written a veritable tome of delectable web log fodder, the topics of which range from parenthood and "Purple Rain" to baby poo and BYU, the latter being Dooce's alma mater and a place she considers "worse even than Disneyland."

Because her followers are aplenty and her blog subjects far-reaching, Dooce thought it necessary to create a community section at Dooce.com "for the readers of this site to connect and interact with each other, to get to know each other better, for me to get to know you better, and for little bunnies to fart sunshine."

Although I've yet to traverse even a single flatulent rabbit during my lengthy Dooce Community loitering sessions, I did stumble upon a topic of discussion slightly rarer yesterday evening.

Certain I was being victimized in a ritualistic bout of Internet hazing, I rushed into the discussion, dukes raised.

Shocked by the mock-less nature of the Doocers' comments, I unclenched my fists and read on.

Sensing a tonal change unlikely to result in further flatterly, I took action.

Despite my best efforts to thwart the conversation with redirection toward magic and war, the Dooce Community could not be stopped.

In all fairness to myself, the odds were stacked nine to one in their favor. 

Ten if you count the booger.