Tube Rich

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After a catastrophic outing last Friday in celebration of my twenty-sixth birth anniversary, I invited Self Control over this evening for a quiet night in.

Following a scrumptious dinner (stale Fritos and ketchup) and a soul-stirring game of DailyBooth Hangman, I slipped into bed around 10:00pm Central Standard Time for a YouTube nightcap.

And this is what I found.

Whether or not the above video struck your fancy, my research indicates that since its original upload date in April of 2008, the video has garnered more than forty-four million views, while the "Fred" series as a whole earned the main character, sixteen-year-old Nebraskan Lucas Cruikshank, an estimated $150,000 last year alone, which doesn't include profits from his merchandising deal with Hot Topic.

In addition to mad loot and worldwide Internet acclaim, Cruikshank's YouTube-ery has earned him the starring role in his own Nickelodeon movie, from which I've provided a clip.

Have joy.

Newsworthy

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When Sassy Laura and Brother Bryan insisted last week that I park my desk-chair-toned tush on their sofa to view "the funniest video ever," I was skeptical.

"A news report out of Huntsville, Alabama?" I scoffed as Brother Bryan called up a selection on YouTube.com.

"Just wait," he giggled.

"Break-ins, rape, the South," I said several moments later as a news anchor introduced the story before passing it off to a field reporter. "This stuff isn't funny."

"Just wait," Brother Bryan urged again, his eyes trained on the computer screen.

After a full minute of video had elapsed without producing so much as a morsel of laugh-worthy fodder, I began to voice my protest once again when something magical happened—Antoine Dodson, "Victim's Brother," began to speak.

"Wait," Sassy Laura and Brother Bryan said to me after the video had ended and we'd mopped up the puddle I'd left on their living room floor. "It gets better."

"Better than that?" I scoffed. "Impossible."

And again, I was wrong.

As "Bed Intruder Song" amassed millions of YouTube views and made its way up the iTunes downloads chart in the days that followed my first viewing, Roberto Hoyos, the founder of Throwboy Pillows, donned a red bandana and a tank top, fired up his HandyCam and collected a stable of Internet celebrities including Charlie McDonnell (63 million YouTube views), Alex Day (25 million YouTube views), Olga Kay (18 million YouTube views) and myself (764 Facebook friends) to help create a "Bed Intruder Song" video of his own.

Have joy. Homeboy.

Excessive Celebration

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It wasn't until this very moment that I found enough strength to haul my vodka-ridden body out of bed to snap the following DailyBooth.com photograph.

I'll never learn.

LipTube

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To quell my hankering for repeat viewings of Tyler Oakley's "HOW TO: Be A Bad Bitch" video, I stormed YouTube earlier this evening in search of a new lip synced obsession.

After an intense audition process that spanned two hours and several dozen sticks of string cheese, I whittled the candidates down to a handful of videos, from which I have compiled a "top-five" list.

Have joy.

Top Five YouTube Lip Sync Videos That Coincidentally All Feature Teenage Boys

5. "Everytime We Touch" by Cascada by owensmhs1990
An intimate bedroom scene, a slow motion air hump sequence and outtakes set to Juvenile's "Slow Motion" are just a few of the reasons why this eerie gem earned its place on the list.

4. "What Hurts the Most" by Cascada by scottcaps22
Appropriately titled "Strange Kid Singing," I fell for this video because of the outrageous mimed-horn-on-fake-plastic-steering-wheel move he pulls off at the midway point. Also, I dug that this video's most popular comment was "He looks like a Jewish Jimmy Neutron."

3. "Barbie Girl" by Aqua by trueblue2968
While watching this 2006 video, I couldn't help but wonder where these future frats boys ended up. Regardless, I hope they came to grips with the glaring sexual tension that occurs at the 1:02 mark.

2. "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls by Brenboy01
To be frank, Batman T-Shirt sold this video with his mystifying ability to channel Baby Spice during every chorus. While the sloppy cameo by Girl At Computer likely cost this video the top spot, Batman T-Shirt saved its number two ranking with his fierce display of spirit fingers near the end of the song.

1. "I Want It That Way" by the Backstreet Boys by Adamo0
Their silky smooth choreography drew me in but their uncanny mastery of the lyrics kept me watching. Also, I like headbands.

Breast Buds

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A close personal friend of mine purchased a rather interesting piece of body art for his rump recently.

Although I mistook it, at first glance, to be the likeness of a human eyeball trapped in a heightened state of alarm, I eventually came to realize what my close personal friend's new inky acquisition actually was—a woman's breast.

"Where's the other one?" I asked my close personal friend after my brain had caught up to my eyes a moment later.

"The other what?" he responded, puzzled.

"You know, the other half of the set."

"Oh," he said. "My cousin has it."

"What's that now?" I asked.

"It's on my cousin's ass," he replied. "You know, so when we stand side-by-side with our pants down it makes a pair."

And sure enough, it does.

While I couldn't help but admire my close personal friend and his cousin for their sense of sacrifice in the name of visual art, I also couldn't help but wonder how many of their future doctor visits would go something like this:

Doctor: "Please drop trou for your daily rectal exam."

Close Personal Friend/Close Personal Friend's Cousin: "Sure."

Doctor (spotting the tattoo): "What's this?"

Close Personal Friend/Close Personal Friend's Cousin: "It's a boob."

Doctor: "Oh."

A beat.

Doctor: "Well where's the other one?"

Close Personal Friend/Close Personal Friend's Cousin: "My cousin has it."

Doctor: "What's he doing with it?"

Close Personal Friend/Close Personal Friend's Cousin: "Well, we thought it would be funny to moon people with boobs on our asses."

A beat.

Doctor (cracking up): "Well you thought right! That shit is effing hilarious! Your doctor visits will be of no cost to you from now on. It's on the house."

Close Personal Friend/Close Personal Friend's Cousin: "Thanks, Doctor!"

Doctor: "No, Funny Guy With Boob On Ass, thank you."

An Eye For An Eye

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If every parent disciplined their children using the method depicted in the following Lamebook.com photograph, the world would be a better place.

Treeless, but better.

And if the above photograph wasn't evidence enough of the stringent rule under which the aforementioned pot smoking pervert lives, his Mother took to Facebook to defend her choice of punishment.

On second thought, maybe the pot smoking pervert needed a few immoral hobbies to take his mind off of the fact that his Mother uses Facebook.

After all, if my Mother were on Facebook when I was a teenager, I may or may not have smoked a drug or two myself.

Very Important

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Co-Worker Heather and I were discussing extraordinarily crucial matters of business in the office of the company that employs us earlier this day when she committed an oratory blunder that I couldn't, in good conscience, let slide.

Me: "Don't worry, I'll take care of it. I know a guy." 

Co-Worker Heather: "Oh right. I forgot about your VIP-ness." 

A pause. 

Me: "Did you just say V.I. penis?"

A pause. 

Co-Worker Heather: "No."

Me: "Okay. Just making sure."

Party Planning

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Because I'm uncertain of how to celebrate my twenty-sixth birth anniversary next week, I asked the fine-tastic folks on DailyBooth.com for assistance.

And this is what they said.

Although many of the aforementioned suggestions are indeed contemplation-worthy, one stands out as supremely birthday appropriate.

"But what if my hugs get rejected?" I asked Brother Bryan a short time later as I detailed my birthday plan to him.

"Oh they won't," he responded confidently.

"How do you know?"

"Because," he replied, "I'm going to make a shirt that says "Hug my brother or kiss my fist" and follow you around all day."

Own Worst Enemy

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Instead of dialing one of the seven contacts in my 16 gigabyte iPhone 3GS, I opted to test a joke out on myself earlier this evening.

As luck would have it, I'm a pretty harsh critic.

Bad Bitch

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I spent an embarrassingly substantial chunk of my evening watching the following YouTube video while I giggled into my hands.

I'm a sad bitch.

Have joy.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, "I'm A Bad Bitch" t-shirts are in stores now!

Goodbye

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"So you're moving on to bigger and better things, ay?" Bob the Landlord asked Roommate Matthew and I earlier this evening, his typically coarse tone grumbling in a more playful octave.

"I guess so," I told him, trying to downplay my excitement.

"Well, best of luck to you both," he offered.

"Thanks," we said.

"You can just leave the keys on the counter when you leave," he told us. "I'll get 'em tomorrow."

After a brief pause, Bob the Landlord turned and made his way toward the back door off of the kitchen, outside of which is a staircase leading down to his apartment. Just as he was about to descend the steps, he paused, turned toward us and said, "I hope this place served a purpose."

As I stood with Roommate Matthew in our uncharacteristically clean kitchen for what I knew would be the last time, I nodded without saying anything. A moment later, Bob the Landlord was gone.

I stayed in the apartment for a while after Roommate Matthew left. I walked in and out of each of the rooms, fingering dents and scrapes that we'd created over the course of the past three and a half years. I used my iPhone to snap a few pictures and fought the urge to narrate a final video tour. When I finally collected enough strength to leave, I stopped in the doorway and stared into the darkness and thought about the last time I'd seen it this empty, when my parents and I toured it shortly after college graduation.

Again, Bob the Landlord's words popped into my head.

"I hope this place served a purpose."

Knowing it had, I smiled, reached for the handle on the door and pulled it closed.