And that thing is I hate it. Like hate hate it. Like extra large, maximum strength, ten million horsepower hate it.
Some people fuss about the air quality or the food or the seat sizes, but I'm cool with all that. No, my beef with flying is a little bit different. My beef with flying is that I don't trust the wings to not break off while I'm sitting in a chair six miles above the earth.
Because that shit happens.
Probably.
Anyway, facts are not the point. The point is, flying is the worst and I should have never been allowed to see Denzel Washington's new plane crash movie "Flight" last night.
I am never flying again.
Until December.
You should bring a hyperactive kid with you next time - they're great at distracting you from the fact that you could be plummeting to your death at any moment.
ReplyDeleteCan I borrow one of yours?
DeleteAbsolutely. I'll even throw in a pair of earplugs and a roll of duct tape!
DeleteIn!
DeleteAt least you're anxious about flying for a quasi-reasonable reason. Am I afraid of the plane going down in flames? Absolutely not! What I get unhinged about is making sure I'm on time for the flight. Because, you know, otherwise if I miss the flight I'll be forever stranded at the airport and will go broke and will suddenly be homeless and alone and will die cold, unloved, alone, and NOT ON THAT FUCKING AIRPLANE.
ReplyDeleteI hear that simultaneous healthy doses of Ativan and tequila help most with this issue. (Not that I've tried it or anything.) :P
So maybe, perhaps, if I were to partake in this concoction of self-medication, I may or may not have been so, um, relaxed that they actually had to call my name out into the airport to tell me to get my ass there or they were taking off without me...
My go-to flight reliever is Lorazepam and champagne.
DeleteBecause I'm classy.